The unknown innuendo
by Ensimismada
Summary: A humorous tale in which Rukia is left out of the loop with modern jargon but it's Ichigo that suffers. No spoilers. Mild cursing. Tacky innuendo. IchiRuki. On probably permanent hiatus.


The unknown innuendo

**Warnings:** Very tacky innuendo; no spoilers; mild cursing

It all began rather abruptly.

"Ichigo," Rukia asked sharply, "do you have any wood?"

Ichigo spat out his drink in surprise, spraying the pavement before him with fine droplets of soda. "What?" he yelled, startled eyes wide. He had stopped walking to stare at her back.

Rukia turned a few paces down the sidewalk. "Do. You. Have. Any. -"

"I heard what you said!" Ichigo roared, cutting off her words. He glanced around, desperately hoping no one had heard Rukia talking to him like he could not fully comprehend spoken language. _Especially_ not when she was asking him about – well, that. Thankfully, the school courtyard was nearly empty at this hour.

Deciding it was worth the risk being seen whispering to her if it meant avoiding a very dangerous public miscommunication at a later time, he strode up to Rukia, grabbing her elbow and yanking her close to him.

"_Lumber_!" he said into her ear fiercely, "the word you want is lumber."

Rukia jerked her arm free instinctively, glaring. Ichigo pulled his head back to proper shouting distance, sensing a fight coming.

Rukia supposed that this was all some strange, modern translation and that Ichigo was somehow trying to defend his manhood from being sullied. While she didn't quite understand _how_ she could possibly besmirch his pride by simply asking him for some wood, she did find his unexpected reaction amusing. Suppressing the urge to smirk, she decided to throw him even further off-balance, by agreeing with him.

"Lumber. Fine, whatever," she muttered, which was about as close to flat-out agreeing as Rukia would stoop. The response had Ichigo floored, putting him exactly where she wanted him to be. He was so predictable.

"Eh..." Ichigo stammered. She wasn't supposed to be agreeing with him that easily. She just had that stubborn, "I'm going to bicker with you for the next hour" look on her face, hadn't she? She was so unpredictable!

Rukia could not help but simper a little, one eyebrow raised significantly. Seeing her serenely smug face, Ichigo snapped, "Well, what do you want it for?"

Ready for him, Rukia composed her response carefully, inflecting every bit of drama she could muster. "Oh, I can't tell you," she said, airy and carefree. As she turned and began walking again, she called over her shoulder to an infuriated Ichigo, "It's a seeeecret."

Crossing his arms, Ichigo stood his ground. Trying to simultaneously mirror her cool manner and quench his curiosity, he exhaled sharply. "Che. I guess you don't want my help after all, then."

Rukia stopped in her tracks, but only for a split second. As a wickedly perfect idea dawned on her, she was secretly glad he could not see the mischievous smile that was spreading across her thin lips.

"Fine then, I'll just tell them you wouldn't give me any."

_Damn straight_, thought Ichigo. _What on earth was she planning? And who was this "them"?_ At least he'd gotten her to stop talking about it in public; he would grill her as soon as they were back to his room...

Ichigo was at least a hundred years too young to attempt to beat Rukia at her own game. He had no idea just how much control she had over him with her offhandedness. She hid her self-satisfied grin as she pretended to ponder aloud: "Though I'm sure they'll be disappointed to hear me say that 'Ichigo doesn't have any wood to give me'..."

She might not have entirely understood what she had just insinuated, but, from the gasping, floundering look on Ichigo's face, Rukia knew she had hit the jackpot. After taking in his shocked expression for full two seconds, she turned again and sauntered off in the direction of home. He would recover soon enough and though she was generally fast enough to dodge his blows, it was more fun making him run to catch up with her.

If you don't get the joke: "wood" is USA slang for having an erection. Hence the warning about tacky innuendo.


End file.
